Three years of intimacy now turns painful

I do not dispute the fact that communication during intimacy is hard. The normal practice is for couples not to have meaningful communication at such times. I therefore very much understood Florence’s (not her real name) predicament when she explained her case to me at the Sexology Clinic.

“The bruises are killing me, I am serious, really bad,” she said, “every time I have an intimate moment with my husband I am forced to stay in the house for at least two days to recover.” 

She was at a point where she hated and avoided intimacy. What was meant to be a pleasurable moment always turned out to be agonizing. “I know my husband cares, he means well and wants to make me happy but every new move he makes only leads to more injuries,” she lamented.

*Florence was a public health officer working at a sub-county hospital. She was married to Richard (not his real name), a gym instructor. The couple had been together for four years and had one child.“I think the problem could be that my husband applies all his gym energy, tactics and moves on me,” she said, “my body just can’t cope, I am traumatized physically and psychologically.”

“So, you say he means well and wants to make you happy, yet you get injuries instead?” I clarified, “Do you normally give feedback as the process continues so that he is aware of what is pleasurable and what hurts?”  

*Florence stared at me clueless, seemingly confused. She frowned and then shook her head. “I do not understand what you mean,” she said, “how do you talk to a man at such a time when he is somewhere in the metaphysical world? Can he really comprehend anything at that time?” 

*Florence’s predicament is something many couples face. Many people, both men and women, have ended up in the hospital after intimate moments that were intended to be great and memorable. In fact, people have lost their lives on the pleasure bed and their partners only realized at the end that while they thought the person was in heaven, they were, in actual sense, left the world. 

A simple bedroom vocabulary can avert these unfortunate events. There is a vocabulary for speed regulation. The person could be too fast or too slow for you. All you need to do is shout out one of these two words: “faster”, or, “slower”. Repeat it until he or she gets a sense of what you mean. 

Then there are times that the words needed could be “harder” the opposite of which is “softer”. This is especially important where the pain is being felt due to roughness. The reverse is where the encounter is too soft that pleasure is compromised. 

Yet still, “up” or “down” could be the right words. Depends on what you want. Even more, it could be “left” or “right”. Again, the choice is yours. Just shout out what you want and repeat it again and again.

I realized that *Florence had removed her pen and was busy taking notes. She noted my inquisitive body language and explained that she did not want any words to pass her because intimate communication had been a big challenge for her. I reassured her that she was not alone in this as many couples simply do not know what to say in the heat of the moment and end up with injuries and dissatisfaction. Mastering the right words could make a big difference.

One more thing, depth does matter in these things and there are depths that are pleasurable while some can be painful or simply sensationless. Irrespective, just shout “deeper” or “shallower” as the case may be.

There are two most important words that you should not forget: “stop” and “continue”. There comes a time when the act must stop. If you are in pain whether in the genitals or elsewhere in the body you should alert your partner and depending on the intensity, shout “stop” again and again. Of course, if all is well and someone is for whatever reason grinding to a halt you should shout “continue”. 

“All sounds good,” Florence said, “maybe you should have a chat with *Richard as well, I don’t want to offend him, he should know that whenever I shout these words it is in good faith.” I nodded in agreement. Words can be misinterpreted, especially at the height of passion. Agreeing on and understanding bedroom vocabulary beforehand is a good practice.